Jerry, you need to find god
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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