I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
