Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
