nut hugger
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
