I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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