If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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