We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
