my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
