Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
