Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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