K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
