I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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