Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
