woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize