You really coming over, don't trick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
