you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
