everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
