The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
