I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
