just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
