so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
