I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
