just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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