At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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