I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
