I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
