dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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