you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
