I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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