He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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