Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
