it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize