I wish I only lived at night.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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