Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
