so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like abortions should bother me more
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
