Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
