i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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