WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
