one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
