when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
