How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
