I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
