just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
