There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
