If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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