it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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