i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
