PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
