she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
