Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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