Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
