yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
