Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
