She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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