U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
