I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
