Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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