Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
