Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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